I’m fascinated by the assumptions we make about people – more specifically, how we can get it so wrong. One of my journalism tutors once mentioned the old saying that if you assume, you ‘make an ‘ass’ of ‘u’ and ‘me’ – and I can’t say that has ever been wrong in my experience.
A silly example was when I was a teenager, going to the local market with my gran and bumping into one of her neighbours for the first time. He was probably in his early 30s and dressed like a stereotypical punk rocker – short bleached blonde spiky hair and wearing leather bondage trousers held up by a studded chain belt.
He looked a bit like Billy Idol in his 1980s heyday, but without the surly curled lip. His girlfriend was clearly part of that cultural scene too – she had dyed black hair with lots of tattoos and body piercings.
It was quite an aggressive look, and at the time I didn’t know my gran knew the couple. I certainly wasn’t expecting them to warmly greet her and have a ‘normal’ conversation with her.
I think they talked about how unfair they had it as leaseholders in a largely tenanted apartment block. Getting little in return for paying service charges and contributing to communal repairs that didn’t directly benefit her was my gran’s bugbear. But I didn’t expect this couple to be her allies in this at the local council meetings – which they apparently were.
I was also surprised when my gran told me the guy was a hairdresser who did home appointments for a lot of female pensioners in the area. They all loved having him over for a cuppa and a bit of a gossip while he did their perms and highlights. So that was a big eye-opener for me on all fronts. Not only had I made assumptions based on the way people looked, I’d also assumed older generations would share my misperceptions.
I like to think I’m more open-minded and self-aware these days. Which is why I stopped channel-hopping when I came across an interview on ITV’s This Morning with the presenters of the new chat show Unfiltered Women.
As part of ITV’s coverage of Disability History Month, which runs until 20 December, Unfiltered Women is – to quote ITV’s press centre – fronted by ‘three outspoken disabled women’.
Actress and presenter Samantha Renke has brittle bone disease; comedian and podcaster Fats Timbo has the genetic condition achondroplasia, which affects growth, while reality TV star Jay Howard was born with an upper limb difference.
Although the focus was on the difficulties and discrimination these women have faced – Jay Howard recalled being told she wasn’t welcome at a Barcelona restaurant that had served her able-bodied friends – it was the personalities of these women and their take on the world that kept me watching.
As an able-bodied woman whose dating days are long behind me, hearing Samantha Renke talk about ensuring there’s an accessible toilet while on a dinner date and the intricacies of making your excuses to leave, as a wheelchair user, when a date isn’t working out made me think how much I have taken for granted.
It’s not that I was so narrow-minded that I assumed disabled people don’t go on dates. It’s more a case that I’ve never had to contemplate these things, which is why I’d like more people with disabilities and neurodiversity to tell it like it is. We all need to listen and take these things on board.
Renke made the point that in her own home, which is adapted with automatic doors and low kitchen worktops, she doesn’t see herself as disabled. But as soon as she steps outside and is faced with something like a broken-down lift, that’s when she’s defined as disabled. This was also familiar to Fats Timbo.
“So many people say to me, ‘I don’t see you as disabled, I just see you as short.’ But me being short in in a world where everything is not adapted to me – it disables me,” she told viewers.
Living in a world that isn’t designed with your needs in mind, and where people perceive you as different, is something that came out of an article I wrote recently for Money Marketing. It was about how job candidates in the advice sector can present gaps in their CVs to potential employers in a positive light.
Where those gaps are due to health issues that are not necessarily visible, such as mental health, there can be two competing pulls – addressing those gaps honestly, so employers can provide any support that’s needed, but without excessive detail that might prejudice the application.
“A brief explanation that focuses on their resilience and determination to overcome challenges is more than acceptable,” Michael Foote, founder of the comparison website Quote Goat, told me.
Victoria McLean, founder of consultancy City CV, added that candidates shouldn’t feel obliged to discuss the reasons for a career break with employers, who should not be pushing for more than the candidate feels comfortable sharing.
“There has been a real shift in how career breaks are perceived – it’s OK to take a break,” she says. However, people can still feel ashamed of career breaks and try to hide them – which is understandable if they think employers might see it as a red flag.
I must admit, I prefer a positive spin on things that are challenging. I’m more interested in what people can bring to the party rather than what they struggle with.
I recall the sinking feeling I had when my son – the youngest in his year – failed pretty much all the assessment criteria in his first year at infant school. They labelled everything ‘inadequate’ or insufficient’ – I can’t remember which, but it was just horrible to read. At the linked junior school, they used ‘working towards’ – much more positive. I like that because there are no negative assumptions behind it.
