Last month, I took my two older kids to London’s Bloomsbury Theatre to see New Dawn Fades, a play about the post-punk band Joy Division. They already knew the backstory, having discovered the music about a year ago.
The play was an odd mix of historical soundbites about the band’s Manchester homeland, over-the-top music biz stereotypes, amusing one-liners and tragedy rooted in fact.
We all knew how it was going to end. Lead singer Ian Curtis took his own life in 1980, and the rest of the band carried on under a different name: New Order.
There were a few moments to reflect on this during the performance as Ceremony – a song written by Curtis that became New Order’s first single – boomed out of the PA system.
Back then it wasn’t socially acceptable for men to talk openly about their feelings and being unable to cope
There is something so haunting about Ceremony. It feels like an end and a beginning, which it was. The actors stood as still and silent as statues as it played.
From the outside it looked like Curtis had it all, with everything to live for. He’d married his childhood sweetheart, they had a young daughter and his musical career was taking off. His future should have seemed so bright.
But at the age of 23, Curtis already had a couple of suicide attempts behind him. He was severely epileptic, suffered with depression and his mood swings were exacerbated by the side effects of medication. His marriage had also fallen apart, with divorce proceedings underway.
Curtis must have been under intolerable strain, especially as back then it wasn’t socially acceptable for men to talk openly about their feelings and being unable to cope.
Weekend Essay: Why I’m hoping we return to the original purpose of pensions
I’m glad society has moved on since then and that even the financial advice world is looking out for people in vulnerable circumstances.
Men’s physical and mental health is in the spotlight this month due to Movember, an annual awareness campaign where men grow moustaches to highlight the importance of looking after their health. That would have been unheard of in Ian Curtis’s lifetime, but progress has been slow.
I remember all the fuss when ITV’s This Morning programme became the first TV programme to show men how to check themselves for testicular cancer.
Richard Madeley, the presenter, had to tell viewers it had been cleared with the Independent Television Commission, just in case people complained about seeing male private parts during family viewing time. That was the late ‘90s for you.
Years later, Dr Chris Steele, who conducted the live examination on a male agency model, said that seeing it being done is better than reading a leaflet. There were, of course, no social-media videos explaining what to do back then.
From the stories I hear, men are more likely to do something about physical health problems
We now hear more men talking about their health, sharing their personal stories about surviving cancer, living with an addiction and getting through mental-health struggles. But things are still far from perfect, especially on the mental-health front.
From the stories I hear, men are more likely to do something about physical health problems. It may take a little longer than it should to realise that they need to get something checked out because it’s not going away on its own. It may take a bit of a nudge from their partners to get some men to make that initial doctor’s appointment. But most, I think, get the help they need.
Mental-health issues are a bit different. They always seem more complex to diagnose and treat. It’s easier for them to go under the radar and the social stigma that still surrounds mental health encourages silence.
While helping my son research ‘toxic masculinity’ for a college project, I came across government statistics showing that suicide is three times more common in men than in women. It’s shocking but when I think of how the men and women I know use the support networks around them during tough times, it’s understandable.
The women are more likely to have in-depth discussions about what has happened and how they feel. No stone is left unturned and the same conversation can be had over several days.
The men I know are more likely to use their support networks to help distract them from their problems
The men I know are more likely to use their support networks to help distract them from their problems. In-depth chats happen when needed but seem to be a ‘one and done’ thing. They may have a quick heart-to-heart over a beer and then get on with it.
That was how my husband dealt with the death of his father a few years ago. He seemed to throw himself into work and family life but I knew he wasn’t quite right, despite him telling me he was OK.
He was keeping himself busy to the point where we weren’t seeing my mother-in-law as often as we were. As I’d suspected, my husband struggled with seeing his mum alone, without his dad.
He’d needed some time and space to get his head around it. Not only that, but he’d also thought he had to be the strong one for his mum and sister. There was no way he would see them on a day when he was feeling low and in need of support himself.
I’m trying to do things differently with my boys. They know they can talk to me about anything
It was so different the way I’d dealt with losing my dad – lots of crying and talking about memories, wishful thinking, regrets and what ifs to anyone who would listen. Dan got through bereavement his way but I’m not sure it was the easiest route.
I’m trying to do things differently with my boys. They know they can talk to me about anything. But little seems to have changed between the generations among the wider peer group
My eldest wouldn’t confide in most of his friends and classmates due to the fear of ridicule and being seen as weak. There are one or two people he would approach but that would be on the ‘one and done’ basis I mentioned earlier. That’s not always enough.
NHS England says suicidal impulses are highly changeable and can shift in minutes. If financial advisers are among those people that male clients know they can talk – not only about their finances – it might just be the difference between life and death.
