I’m getting married next October to my partner of almost seven years. Wedding planning has been a whirlwind of fun, decision-making and occasional overwhelm, and I’ve felt so lucky to have a significant other who has been rock solid through it all.
Despite the strong foundation we have, I’ve felt some bubbling anxiety about what our financial future will look like. In an era where marriage is no longer the primary avenue for women to gain financial agency, it’s been hard to imagine a life where I willingly surrender some of my independence for the sake of a partnership, despite the many benefits that come from sharing a financial life.
But in the spirit of harmony and cooperation, I decided to get to the bottom of my anxiety and figure out a financial system that we’ll be comfortable with for our newlywed life.
Aligning our money values
For the record, my fiancé is very good with money. He works in tech and doesn’t have any particular financial pitfalls, except for the occasional hyperfixation on a new hobby, but even that’s usually a reasonable amount of spending. (I may be biased, as I have similar tendencies.)
When it comes to communication, we’ve been working on raising money concerns early and often. Michelle Fait, founder of Satori Financial LLC and a financial life planner, recommends that couples create space to talk about money in a structured way on a regular basis. Fait says a couple might agree to have a quarterly couple summit where they agree to review their accounts and discuss any upcoming spending or financial goals. This can also be a helpful exercise for couples who have been through a recent change, such as an increase or decrease to their household income.
Fait also recommends that couples start to think about what positive things they want to do with their money. From there, the couple can create financial systems for those goals.
“I ask couples, ‘What are you building together? How do you plan to protect and support each other?’ That can create more transparency and alignment around money.”
Managing the messages we have about money
So that’s two things to work on: Regular money meetings and positive framing. In my relationship, we’re generally on the same page. We come from similar economic backgrounds, but even so, my partner and I are sometimes caught off guard by what the other is willing to spend or not spend on particular things.
Joy Slabaugh, founder of the Wealth Alignment Institute, a certified financial planner and a licensed therapist, says that this often happens to the couples she talks to.
“We all have different scripts around money, and sometimes we’re aware and sometimes we’re not,” Slabaugh says. “More often we’re not. We often assume that people think the same way about money that we do, and that isn’t always the case so conflicts and clashing are common.”
Though my partner and I have strong value alignment and communication around our finances, the idea of merging accounts is something that’s always been hard for me. Managing my own money is a point of pride for me, and frankly it felt scary to think about putting it in anyone else’s hands but my own. On the flip side, my fiancé and I currently spend a lot of time Zelle-ing each other back and forth for our shares of rent or groceries or payments toward vacations.
There must be some kind of balance to be had.
Making our own plan
My fiancé and I ultimately decided that we want to maintain our financial independence by hanging on to some of our own individual bank accounts and credit cards, but we also want to merge some of our income so that we can cover our expenses and save toward the same goals. To that effect, we’ve come up with an arrangement we feel comfortable with, and we’re taking it in baby steps.
We opened joint checking and joint savings accounts, and for the next year we’re going to use the savings account for our wedding expenses. After we get married, we decided that we’re going to direct the majority of our paychecks (after personal savings and investments) into our new checking account. We’ll use those funds to pay for rent and other everyday expenses. We’ll each maintain our own individual accounts for personal use, but for joint purchases, we’ll split the cost by pulling from our joint account instead of perpetually sending money back and forth.
Since writing this article, I’m feeling much more comfortable with the idea of our shared financial future, knowing that we now have a system that allows us to work toward our goals together and maintain a bit of autonomy. We plan to keep talking about how our money can help us achieve what we want to in life. Like our relationship, it’s an ongoing process of learning and understanding.
