Our monthly advice column tackles all your destination wedding quandaries (and confusions) with intel straight from industry experts.
The last time I went to a destination wedding, I sent the bride and groom $50 via Venmo and a message that said “Happy wedding!!!” I belatedly wondered if I was being cheap—or worse still, a bad friend—but the couple insisted that we, their friends, didn’t have to spend extra money on them. The registry was just a formality, insisted upon by their parents, and travel to the venue was enough of a cost. Our presence was the gift, they said, as we rocked out to Beyoncé on the dance floor, and I believed them.
That said, there are couples who do see the need for gifts, viewing them as an inextricable part of the wedding tradition. Others even evaluate the worth of their friendships based on the quality of the presents they get. (If they do this, they are not your friend!) But at the same time, buying something off a registry could also be a way for guests to send their love, especially when they can’t attend.
Matters are complicated when it’s a destination wedding. As a guest, you have to take time off from work; get to the venue; pay for lodging; and find childcare, if you need it. You’re already spending so much before you even get to celebrate with the happy couple, which begs the question: Are gifts really necessary when it’s a destination wedding? And if so, how much should guests spend? I spoke to married folks, wedding guests, event planners, and etiquette experts to find out.
Gifts aren’t necessary, but they’re the icing on the cake
Historically, guests send off the newlyweds into married life with gifts of household items (hence, the wedding registry). But these days, that’s not always necessary. “At a time when many couples have already established a home together prior to getting married, the need to register for every new appliance or home addition has gone away,” says Lindsey Shaktman, a destination event planner at Mavinhouse Events.
Still, gift-giving can often be a way for guests to participate in the special occasion or to express their care for the couple, says Cristina Verger, a wedding and event planner in New York City. There’s something special about seeing an object in your home, years after your special day, and remembering the gift-giver who presented you a souvenir of their affection. After all, some people’s love language is gift-giving.
Be honest about what kind of gifts you can give
For a destination wedding in California that Jenna Amatulli, an editor at The Guardian US, attended as a guest, the couple elected to have a gift registry. It was “a light registry,” she says, which placed an emphasis on experiential gifts rather than material goods. Still, Amatulli gave the couple a formal wedding gift because “I’m good friends with them and wanted to gift them something substantial.”
