“If you’re going through someone’s phone, what do you really want to know?” poses Sculler. “There’s a thrill there, too. But what do you want to do with this information?”
Meanwhile, psychotherapist Maggie Fitzsimmons, who works with couples at Resilience Lab Psychotherapy, illuminated another perspective on the matter—that the culture of the place you’re visiting contributes to instances of cheating, as well as the culture of the group of people you’re traveling with.
“Think of, say, Vegas,” she says. “Some people are not themselves in Vegas. They take risks, they put money down, they embrace the culture of the environment. It can result in making decisions you wouldn’t typically make. Or you might be with your single friends, and they are living their single lives, and that’s the culture of the environment.”
Fitzsimmons also points out that alcohol is frequently involved. We almost certainly drink more when traveling, as a result of needing to dine out and to follow social scripts and customs at certain events.
“Whether it’s a business trip or a bachelorette party or you’re waiting for a flight, there’s a bar, there’s dinner with drinks, there’s whatever it is, and alcohol is accessible without seeking it out,” Fitzsimmons continues. “It’s an available coping mechanism when you’re away from home and out of your comfort zone. While it makes you more comfortable and social, it also decreases your inhibitions and makes other people seem more desirable and more attractive. That’s something for people who have the proclivity to cheat to pay attention to.”
To her point, a 2019 study conducted by Niznik Behavioral Health on the “Open Bar Effect” found that more than 53 percent of people drink more at open bars, and out of that portion, men on average have a total of 5.6 drinks and women on average have 4.6 drinks. (The report kicks off by saying that open bars can be found at weddings, at resorts, and on cruise ships.) The similarly named “Closing Time Effect,” first studied by social psychologists after doing experiments with college students in the 1970s—but also in a 2022 report published in the National Library of Medicine, observing the behavior of young people in Perth, Australia—asserts that the later the night gets, the more attractive members of one’s desired sex become.
Fitzsimmons clarifies that cheaters shouldn’t be condemned. She believes that oftentimes, cheating is driven by an inability to communicate unmet needs, which results in going out and sourcing them outside of the relationship.
“They’re working through something as well, which requires using some kind of self reflection: Am I not happy in my relationship? Am I needing external validation? Am I unable to communicate my needs? Am I needing to try on a new personality in this new location because I’m not cool with who I am? So looking inward and getting some clarity rather than thinking, ‘Oh shit, I woke up hungover this morning and I guess I slept with someone.’”
But how can couples rebuild trust that is broken after infidelity away from home occurs? Fitzsimmons says that in her practice, she advises couples to enact tangible and measurable compromises, like a call upon returning to the hotel room, or limiting travel to once a month to spend more quality time together. It’s not about control, she explains, but about demonstrating a willingness to change—and about understanding that if someone’s going to cheat they are going to cheat.
All in all, though, even if what happens in Vegas—or wherever you are in the world—stays there, Fitzsimmons emphasizes that cheating is rarely a victimless act.
“People keep it to themselves and it creates other problems,” she says. “If you can have a big secret like that with your partner, it makes you feel less close to them and can erode the relationship.”
Note from the editor: Sources who are marked with an asterisk have had their names changed to ensure their anonymity.
