My father is 77 and a proud man. I have noticed that recently, there have been issues with his management of money.
I discovered he’s been fined for overdue bills. He’s also told me he bought gadgets that never arrived from a website that – on inspection – was clearly fraudulent. He couldn’t remember how much his cleaner charges him.
I think I need to approach him to discuss options around me or someone else trustworthy taking over his finances.
How do I do that without making it a humiliating experience for him?
E.T., via email
You have spotted the early signs of something that almost every family eventually faces: a parent’s cognitive abilities beginning to deteriorate, having an impact on many things – including their management of finances.
Missed bills and forgotten payments are rightly worrying as they are signs that he probably needs someone to gently step in and help him.
What is great is that you are not avoiding, denying or deflecting the issue: you are carefully thinking about how you can help but being at the same time conscious of how emotionally delicate this territory is.
Almost every family eventually faces a parent’s cognitive abilities beginning to deteriorate, which has an impact on many things – including their management of finances
It’s delicate because it’s about financial management at a practical level – but actually, the conversation touches on much deeper and emotionally charged topics like loss of autonomy, ageing, fear of dependency, of exploitation, and changing self-perception (if being successful and independent was an important part of his identity). And of course that’s just for your father.
For you too this might be emotional – watching our parents age and need help is an unfamiliar and often unsettling new dynamic to confront and accept.
It’s the start of a transition from child to carer and while it can bring closeness and meaning, it can also be painful and at times frustrating.
I think it’s important not to go about this in a ‘sneaky’ way, avoiding the reality or trying to trick him into anything.
Considering he still has mental capacity, honouring his autonomy is important. Your objective is not to take over from him but to protect his dignity and his financial legacy.
You need to (1) investigate (2) help him gently face the facts (3) discuss options.
Start the conversation with empathy and curiosity: ‘Dad, I was thinking about that bill you missed last month because they sent you an electronic version instead of the letter – I am aware they are expecting everyone to be an expert with online payments and apps and the whole lot, how are you finding it?’
In a way, you want to try and set a tone in which it’s understandable if he is at all confused as shopping online, paying for bills and all has changed.
He might deny any confusion and tell you he is getting on just fine and you might feel stuck again.
But you can go on offering help rather than denying his autonomy. For example, you could say: ‘The reason why I ask is because you have done such an amazing job looking after us and the family finances all these years, maybe it’s time I help out a bit and offer an extra pair of eyes or set of hands when it comes to getting financial stuff sorted out – particularly with the amount of technology involved in it these days, let me help in an area I feel a bit more of an expert in.’
And if you feel he is responding well, you can talk about the protection you want to offer. It is no secret that online scammers are finding more intricate ways of conning people – even the financially savvy.
And if you want to quote me on this, one of my clients who was the victim of a year-long scam was actually a compliance officer! It doesn’t just happen to naïve people.
Hopefully by now you might have had some signs of agreement from him.
It’s understandable if he rejects any help and is perhaps in denial. There might be shame or even fear in facing what is happening. Don’t insist – you might have planted the first seed of beginning to face a difficult reality.
Eventually you can present some options to him: you could offer to sit down together once a month to go through bills and payments, or even set up some safeguards (for example, there are apps where a family member gets notified in case of large withdrawals).
Emphasise that he will still be in charge – he won’t lose his autonomy, he’ll just have an extra support. If appropriate, in a later conversation, you could mention a Lasting Power of Attorney.
Be empathic: even when it may seem clear to everyone that he needs help, his denial of the reality may not be down to stubbornness, but to how painful a reality it is to face. And be patient: changing our self-image as strong and in control, and accepting a reality of ageing takes time.
Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk. Her book Money on Your Mind, is out now in paperback with Bonnier Books.
