Be conscientious of any nondrinkers at the table. If you notice that two people aren’t drinking while eight are, recognize that they might find it daunting to advocate for themselves and speak up on their behalf. BA executive editor Sonia Chopra has another solution to an imbalance of drinkers and nondrinkers at the table: “Have them ring up the food costs on one bill and all the drinks on another, so you can split the meal evenly between everyone, and the drinks evenly between everyone who is drinking.” Mic drop.
One person’s meal is significantly more expensive than others
If you ordered an expensive entrée while everyone else ordered just an appetizer, you should offer to pay for it. “It’s the job of that person to offer to pay more,” Meier says. “The table may not take the person up on that offer, but the person eating the lobster when everyone else had chicken should offer out of respect.” She adds that if one person is treating, it may be in poor taste to knowingly order something pricey and expect them to cover for you.
Practice some self-awareness here, and try to order in the ballpark of other diners at the table, generally speaking. And hey, if you’re really yearning for the lobster, all power to you—just don’t expect your friends to split the cost.
It’s a birthday dinner
If you, as the birthday-celebrator, invited out a group of friends, you should expect to cover the bill. “If I invite everyone to a party [at] a restaurant, and I want everybody to enjoy themselves…I’m going to pay,” says etiquette expert Diane Gottsman, owner of The Protocol School of Texas. The group “may insist that they pay, and that’s fine—everybody can split it,” she says. “But the intention should be that you’re going to pay.”
However, if a group invited you out to celebrate your birthday, you should expect that they’ll cover your cut of the check. “Typically the group chips in for the birthday guest and they divide the bill equally as a birthday gift to the person,” Meier says.
Someone spontaneously orders a round of drinks for the table without consulting the rest of the group
You order the drinks, you pay for them, Jung says. “I think that would be an obvious expectation from other people as well,” he adds. Nobody wants to shell out for a drink they never asked for in the first place. Ordering a round is a fun and friendly gesture so long as you actually follow through and cover it for the group. Otherwise, it’s kind of… annoying?
Everyone is splitting dishes but one person has limiting dietary restrictions and can’t eat everything
If you know off the bat that you won’t be able to eat many of the dishes on the menu, your safest bet is to request a separate check at the start of the meal, says Gottsman. Meier agrees: “It’s the role of the person with the dietary restrictions to say before ordering that they have a restriction or allergy and will therefore be ordering their own meal.” And if you’re allergic to shellfish and everyone wants to split the seafood tower, yes, it’s well within your right to get your own check or Venmo a friend for just your portion of the meal.
The person in charge of choosing the restaurant says “it’s a surprise!” The surprise in question ends up being extremely expensive
To put it plainly, don’t be this person. “It’s important when planning a group meal to send around a menu or link to a restaurant ahead of time so people can decide if it’s within their budget to attend,” Meier says. In this worst-case scenario, ordering on separate checks is a reasonable way to assuage blindsided attendees, says Jung.
If you’re tasked with selecting the location and you want it to be a surprise—because you’re sneaky like that—employ a little bit of common sense and empathy and don’t choose somewhere shockingly expensive. Trust us, everyone will end up happier.
A version of this article originally appeared on Bon Appétit.
