I made some truly awful financial mistakes when I was in my 20s and lost thousands in bad investments.
I can’t sleep for worrying about how much money I lost and how much poorer I am compared to my friends and colleagues.
How can I stop my money anxiety affecting my health?
C.W., via email
Vicky Reynal says it’s better to mourn past financial mistakes rather than ruminating over losses that no amount of thinking can fix
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: It’s important that you have made the connection between your health and money worries because like any form of stress, it can take a toll on both your mental and physical wellbeing.
Addressing past regrets is possible by shifting your focus from a ‘scarcity mindset’ to an ‘abundance mindset.’
First, try to let go of the past. Rather than ruminating over losses that no amount of thinking can fix, it’s better to mourn them. This involves both accepting that what is gone is gone, but also valuing what you might have gained from the experience.
Could it fuel your determination to do better? Did it teach you valuable lessons? Did it make you more cautious in your business dealings?
Comparisons don’t help either. We often compare ourselves unfavourably to others, which is a counterproductive exercise that rarely leads to learning or improvement, but instead makes us feel even worse about ourselves and our shortcomings.
When we compare ourselves to others, we tend to focus on just one dimension of the truth and ignore the full picture of their circumstances. Perhaps they inherited most of that money, were very lucky with some investments, or worked endless hours at the cost of personal relationships – a sacrifice we weren’t willing to make.
We can easily convince ourselves that the glass is half-full and that the grass is greener in a friend’s garden. I have literally sat across from a client who told me, ‘I lost everything’, despite his still having a million pounds in his bank account.
Yes, he had lost a lot of money, but a million pounds is hardly ‘nothing’. Sometimes we allow money to stand in for our sense of worth and value. This means that when we make mistakes and lose money, it doesn’t just feel like money is gone, our sense of esteem vanishes along with it, and we might feel ashamed of what the losses say about us.
It’s important to step away from these narratives and reconnect with a sense of gratitude – not just for the money we have, but for the broader context of our lives (for family, health, friends, etc.).
Have we let our financial successes or failures define us? As Carl Jung (one of the founders of psychoanalysis) said, ‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.’
Our past (including any regrets) is only part of our story, and our true identity is shaped by the choices we make every day.
It’s harder, but much more productive, to value and be grateful for what we do have. It’s difficult because we live in a world that bombards us with messages about how much happier we’ll feel if we buy something or upgrade our lifestyle. Acquiring more luxury and having more possessions promise us more happiness. But is that really our experience? Would having more material goods or money make you happier?
What also helps is shifting our focus from the past to the future. Rather than dwelling on what could have been, isn’t it better to consider what could be?
In other words, connect with your sense of agency: what actionable steps can you take now to improve your financial situation? Are there areas of your financial life that you have neglected such as savings, investments, repaying debt, prioritising spending, cutting costs, or generating new revenue streams? Setting small, actionable steps in any of these areas can help you feel more in control of your future than you might feel right now.
You will notice an improvement in your financial (and overall) wellbeing, once you take active steps to change your perspective. Sometimes this involves catching yourself having the thoughts about the past and saying: ‘Am I doing this again? Ruminating over what I can’t change?’ and switching your focus through the strategies I have described.
But concrete steps help too: taking small, meaningful steps toward your financial goals can empower you to reclaim control and improve your overall quality of life.
Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
